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如果你要离去
2009-07-28
如果你要离去，如果你要离去
别再回头再回头
如果你要回头，如果你要回头
别再看我再看我
看我满脸的泪痕站在街头默默看你走
为什么你一点也不挽留
一个人的世界并非你想象的那么好
要我怎么做你才会知道
我要你别走我要你回头
如果你要离去，如果你要离去
别再回头，再回头，再回头看我如果你要离去，如果你要离去
别再回头，别再回头
如果你要回头，如果你要回头
别再看我，再看我
看我满脸的泪痕站在街头默默看你走
为什么你一点也不挽留
一个人的生活并非你想象的那么好
要我怎么说你才会知道
我要你别走，我要你回头
如果你要离去，如果你要离去
别再回头，再回头，再回头看我 -
哭了
2008-07-22
一年的时间，是太长了，也太短了。
当然在最初的几个星期里，度日如年是很正常的感觉。然后在时间的夹缝中呼吸，用一年的时间，不知不觉，冷却一个礼拜的热情。
是很容易的么？
每天在悲伤中沉睡下去，在清晨的阳光中醒来，问自己：今天是不是要比昨天好过一点了？是的，我会一天一天地好起来，但同时也会一天一天地，慢慢爬回自己的小壳，不再勇敢。
唉，谁能给我一点氧气，我快不能呼吸。
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Timeline
2008-07-20
Jun 23 First Met
Jul 12 Had a drink till early morning
Jul 13 Tanglewood Music Festival
Jul 14 Had a drink...again
Jul 15 The Question
Jul 16 Lunch at "Au Bon Pain"
Jul 17 Museum of Fine Arts, Boston
WALL-E
Jul 18 45-min Walk to Green Line along the Charles River
Get drunk before dinner
Get really drunk...
......
Jul 19 Logan Airport
You fly away, and i will stay
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Life is Beautiful
2007-11-09
Life is beautiful
We live until we die
When you run into my arms,
We steal a perfect moment.
Let the monsters see you smile,
Let them see you smilling.
Do I hold you too tightly?
When will the hurt kick in?
Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.
Yeah, life is beautiful.
Our hearts, they beat and break.
When you run away from harm,
Will you run back into my arms,
Like you did when you were young?Will you come back to me?
I will hold you tightly
When the hurting kicks in.
Life is beautiful, but it's complicated,
we barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.
Stand where you are.
We let all these moments pass us by.
It's amazing where I'm standing,
There's alot that we can give.
This is ours just for the moment,
There's alot that we can give.
It's amazing where I'm standing,
There's alot that we can give.
This is ours just for the moment,
There's a lot that we can give.VEGA 4
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寂寞总是暂时的，而孤独却是永远的
2007-09-24
寂寞总是暂时的，而孤独却是永远的。
莫名的伤感，在雨夜中缓缓袭来，耳边持续的是窗外缠绵的滴滴答答，如泣如诉。
她在看一篇朋友很久以前写的小文。
“年轻女孩大抵都犯过一个错，认为自己是把这类人物渡出灯红酒绿的佛，事实是只能证明自己还没有哭够。”
“越是年少，人们越是了解爱情…”
是一个伤感的故事，一段没有回报的感情，以及安静的离开。
她早在很久以前，似乎就明白了一个道理。
世界上总有那么一种人，就是为了伤害别人而来。但后来她发现，事实并不是那样简单。
善于伤害他人的人，多半曾经被狠狠地伤害过。
人们热爱互相折磨的游戏，千百年来乐此不疲。深究其原因，恐怕可以有长篇大论，分别从不同角度，归根究底，于是成为一门学问。
而她只是觉得，是痛感，才让人们感到存在。
年少，经过痛苦的剥离，而最终成长。
剥离的是信仰，是对过去所有“我认为的世界”的彻底颠覆 。
虽然可怕，但这是唯一的道路。
这条道路叫做“成长”。
然而当她发觉自己的心变得越来越麻木的时候，她甚至有那么一种近乎变态的渴望，她渴望被狠狠伤害，好让她变得更加勇敢。
但事实是，她并不那么勇敢，她宁愿过着无痛无痒的生活。
伤害的代价太大，虽然她享受那种劫后余生的快感。
可是如果只有劫难，而没有余生，又怎么办？
这是她不敢去想象的。
只是经过了一个又一个人，就像漫长的旅程，最后只留下自己,一个人。
片段中有些散落 有些深刻的错
还不懂这一秒钟
怎么举动怎么好好地和谁牵手
那寂寞有些许不同
我挑着留下没说
那生活还过分激动
没什么我已经以为能够把握
而我不再觉得失去是舍不得
有时候只愿意听你唱完一首歌
在所有人事已非的景色里
我最喜欢你
片段中有些散落
有些深刻的错
就快懂这一秒钟
怎么举动怎么好好和你过
那寂寞有些许不同
我挑着留下没说
那生活还过分激动
没什么我已经以为能够把握
你知道你曾经让人被爱并且经过
毕竟是有着怯怯但能给的沉默
在所有不被想起的快乐里
我最喜欢你
而我不再觉得失去是舍不得
有时候只愿意听你唱完一首歌
在所有人事已非的景色里
我最喜欢你
而我不再觉得
而我不再觉得...... -
我有点难过
2007-09-11
不知道为什么，每个礼拜一都会感觉空前地疲倦，疲倦到好像要生病了一样。
还好，今天天气晴朗。
下课以后去逛了学校旁边的小店，看看衣服，每每试穿上去，都发现并非想象中那么协调。我有点胖了。
即使是这样，也没有打消我消费的决心，还是买了几件回去，虽然心中沮丧。
Jennie说减肥的方法就是，少吃碳水化合物，多吃蔬菜水果blah blah blah......我知道，我统统知道，但仍然没有减少我今晚的饮食量，也没有彻底打消我夜深了总想吃点什么的习惯。
晚上突然看起了以前写的日志，很长时间没有写过一点东西，每次想要开始，总是瞪着眼前白花花的一片发呆。我要说什么？我在想什么？我不知道。
于是自己一次次地被自己嘲笑。
以前的那些，在msn space上面的，几乎都与那么一个人有关联，那么一个重达200斤，高达1米9几的胖子，那么一个我至今无法放下的讨厌的大孩子，那么一个远在美国却不知道我此时此刻是如此需要他......然而，他却从来没有看过我的blog,也从来没有关心过我想些什么，只是在我不高兴的时候，会像一个孩子那样拉住我的手左右摇晃，然后轻轻问我：“你怎么啦？”我不能多说什么，我只能如此无助地爱着他。
我忽然明白我要的是什么，我曾经以为自己可以像sex and the city中的samantha那样，把性爱当作兴趣，把男人当作如同衣服首饰般令女人爱不释手，却仍然只是一件物品的超脱。我不行，我想要的是爱，我想要的是来自于我爱之人的关心，或者只是平淡和睦地相处，就像我一直幻想的那样：下雨的夜晚，在温暖的房间里一起看一场电影，喝一杯热茶，静静地靠在一起......
也许那才是真正的奢侈。或者从我16岁开始，就已经和这一切作了永远的告别，因为我选择了另一条道路，另一种不甘寂寞，轰轰烈烈，将自己奋不顾身地燃烧成灰烬的青春。我是回不去了。
想起下午美好的阳光，听见后面走来的同学在谈论宜家，心中突然充满了对美好生活的幻想，幻想可以和爱的人一起去逛宜家，幻想可以一起布置自己的小窝......但是终究还是有人会离开，不是他，就是我。
终于，我在淋浴的时候痛哭出来，泪水和当头浇下来的水混合在一起，有一种奇妙的感觉。
或者我就是一条鱼，我生活在水中，所以，没有人看得到我的眼泪。 -
Son of Alice
2007-08-29
She was the… the patron saint of 23rd street. She was around for a lot of that, she … Wandering around the hotel hallways in the middle of the night, carrying a little yellow cardboard box. And she inhabited the place like a butterfly or … There was this kind of sadness about her and a… and she did have this light. And nobody ever knew her real name.
There was times I’d see her coming down that street, stepping through broken bottles and gum, and carrying her shoes, barefoot. People said she was crazy but I don’t know.
About six months before the fire there was … there was a big blackout. Famous, summer blackout. She walked around through the halls giving everyone candles. Scared everybody away in the end.
Then when the fire happened, you know, everybody assumed it was her. There had been fires in the halls that year, little ones. I dunno if it was fair or not but everybody blamed her for it.
And then one day she… she just vanished. And later they… said her name was Alice. All that time I never knew her name.<Son of Alice>
<Nolita>
Keren Ann
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懒人回来了
2007-08-26
居然在英国的时候没有写一篇东西。有很多很多的东西可以写，却不知道该从哪里下笔，现在想起来，如果当时每天都可以坚持写一些什么东西，就是报报流水账也好，也是可以留下珍贵的回忆的。
可是现在什么都没有留下。
我想念eddie,joniece,elim, 想念professor parker, 想念silver street 和sidgewick site的buttery，想念andrew,amy,natalie,yuji,nan,ecco,risa，想念st.catharine 和selwyn,想念marks&spencer......
everything.
每天早上走在silver street去上课的路上，总是觉得，好像已经日复一日地这么过了好多年，如果剑桥有记忆的话，是否能够记住我曾经的脚步？
然而重新回到上海酷热的怀抱中，却觉得，这一切似乎只是一场梦，梦醒来，发现一切还是原来的样子，实际上，好像什么都没有发生过。
Beacuse life lies...
-
Mazzy Star <Give You My Lovin'>
2007-06-30
Give you my lovin'
Seven days a week
I'll be your honey
If you'll be sweet
I know I'm the only one for you
I know that you think this is not trueMan says it's rainin'
Rainin' outside
I'll be out there in a little while
Cause you see
Rain reminds me of you
And everything has turned to youSee you in places
I'm following you
You'll be upstairs
And I'll be there too
Everywhere you go
I will follow
I know it won't be the same tomorrowPeople give me warnings
Stay away from you
They say you'll hurt me
I don't think that's true
Discomfort arouses when I speak of you
As if you've been sayin' something bad
About meWhen I see you
I want to kiss you
But I know that ain't right
So I ask if I can hold you
Oh babe I need you so bad
Oh babe I only want to make you Glad -
Damien Rice <9 Crimes>
2007-06-23
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
With you...
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away ( Is that alright? Yeah.)when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
If you don't shoot it how (Is that alright? Yeah. ) am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away (Is that alright? Yeah. ) when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright, yeah?
Give my gun away ( Is that alright? Yeah. ) when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
If you don't shoot it how ( Is that alright? Yeah. ) am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away ( Is that alright? Yeah. ) when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright, yeah?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright, yeah?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright, yeah?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright, is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
No... -
Enjoy the god damn fucking life~~
2007-06-16
My life sucks.
He is gone,far away.
I miss him,he knows,but he can't feel.
Substitute,we all need substitute.
Fake antiques,plastic flowers,or glass made diamonds.
But what if I found myself sinking deeper and deeper when I realized that substitute is only substitute.
It can't be true.
Is him the destination that I can never reach?
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you -
Cody
2007-06-05
Cody 没有意思，我想，也许是从code变过来的，就是“像code那样的”。
这种猜想的出处来源于Little Britain,里面有个舞台催眠师，为了在拼字游戏上面赢妈妈，硬是造了个字出来，叫做“cupboardy”，意思是“像cupboard那样的”,那么姑且就这样以为吧。
Cody是Mogwai的一首曲子，收录在1999年的Come on die young 这张专辑当中。
是在那天看skins第二集的开头，美丽的Cassie从睡梦中醒来，发现手上沾满了粘糊糊的食物，于是狠狠在被子上擦了擦。她慢慢起身，房间里一片狼藉，是party狂欢过后的早晨，大家都在熟睡，无论是头上顶着一盆意大利面的Maxxie还是光着屁股朝上，并且上面写着“I love boy”的Chris......房间里有淡淡的阳光，这时便是Mogwai的这首曲子似有似无地在背后衬垫着。
乍一听非常耳熟，可是就是想不起来是哪个乐队，哪张专辑，我急得把所有后摇全部翻出来，也越听越绝望。我知道，它一定就在我身边，但无法触及，我听过，一定听过，那不是幻觉。
于是我便在一种迷茫且郁闷的情形下睡了，第二天上学路上，耳朵里塞上ipod，shuffle出来的第一首歌便是昨天遍寻无获的旋律。赶忙拿出来来一看，Cody,Mogwai,Come on die young。
我呆在原地3秒钟后，继续赶路。
生命是幻觉。
-
something meaningless
2007-04-15
When dream radiated beams of light into the reality,
I was suddenly burnt.
Yesterday was a bad dream.
The big hate and the big hurt.
But they were gone.
And I am gonna survive this.
That's all I wanna say to myself.
-
I can never...
2007-03-23
又没去上课。
我去见了小白。
他家那里有巨难吃的麻辣烫还有深夜不关门的烤串店。
他把渴睡的我从床上拖起来，并且对我叫嚷,不许睡，不许睡觉呀......
还有很多事情没做呢......
好像第二天世界就要毁灭。
如果，如果真的消失了，那么也就是这样了吧。I can never say goodbye to you.
小静和lily开始讨厌我了。
嗯，其实我也开始讨厌我自己了。
那么就尽情地讨厌吧。
但是不管怎样，
到学校里来看到你们在，
我还是很高兴的。Likewise,I can never say goodbye to you.
-
Birthday confession
2007-03-03
今天生日了。
1986年的3月3日早上11点03分，我的出生终于解决了妈妈的痛苦，从此一个新的生命旅程便由此开始。整整21年以后，也就是今天，我坐在电脑前写下这篇文字。
妈妈经常说，你生下来的时候就像一只猫那么大小，就像发生在昨天的事情，为什么忽然一下就可以长得那么大了......我们都控制不了的，成长，以及衰老，因为时间，时间是永恒的。
曾经观察过秒针的举动，一点一滴地，毫不留情地，清算着流逝的时间，不会后退，更不会改变速度，一直就这样地前进着，一圈又一圈。你侧耳倾听，听见嘀嗒嘀嗒的节奏瞬时转化为汹涌的潮水，无情地冲刷着各人的生命。
当时间的大手模糊一切生老病死的界限，我们还能留下什么?
回忆，只有回忆。
我会记得，那些爱过的，恨过的，欣喜的，悲伤的......All of a sudden I miss everybody...... 只有在这样的时候，会骤然发现关于过往的记忆，居然还是那么顽固而完整地驻留在自己的脑子里，也许最让人伤感的并不是发生过什么，而是那些小之又小的细枝末节，我记得，我都记得，关于友情，关于爱，关于渴望......
亲爱的Greg,想对你说的话却永远说不出口，我常常伤害你，也许你除了容忍之外也无能为力。的确我比较自私，可能以后的日子我会继续惹你生气，但是我要你记得，我们是朋友，for all of the years.
亲爱的Iris,你已经等不及地发言祝我生日快乐了，初三的时候认识你到现在已经7年了，每一年你都会用不同的方式让我知道你仍然记得我的生日，而我却常常忘记，抑或是想起来了却发现为时已晚......你和胡宜的生日我都记得，但更重要的是，我记得你们。
还有很多很多的人，Jennie,Cony,小静,Lily,baober,Shining,Sue,Joyce和Wendy,Christine，当然还有小白，小白你又要生气了，看到我把你放最后一个，请你不要生气，因为我还需要时间。
所以，祝我生日快乐吧。
猫牙的饼干盒
Every Finger In The Room Is Pointing At Me And I Wanna Spit In Their Faces Then I Get Afraid Of What That Could Bring...
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